Jealous
by Alix Cohen
Summary: Envy steals the secret of travel between worlds. Will he finally get some respect from his siblings? Not if Yaoi Team One has anything to say about it...Yaoi Agents AU; France/Envy. Sex and language.
1. Chapter 1

Envy took his favorite form and grinned gleefully. It had been sheer luck that he'd discovered the work of the Wanderer Alchemist, but it had been the best kind of luck.

The alchemist watched helplessly from the wall he was chained to, as the _thing_ that had stolen his shape three days ago chalked runes into the transmutation circle on the floor. "You can't do this," he rasped.

"I beg to differ," Envy replied. "In fact, alchemist, I can do it without _you_." He crossed the room in two steps, and effortlessly stopped the man's heart. Then he returned to the circle, knelt, and laid hands on its edge, drawing power from the Philosopher's Stone that was his heart.

The Wanderer Alchemist had been on the verge of discovering a way to transmute space itself, to gain access to the worlds beyond this one. Envy had sped up the process, and was now taking advantage of the result. He had set the circle to take him to a good place for envy, someplace Envy could take control of. With the power of a whole world at his disposal, he would finally earn his brothers' respect.

A portal opened in the air above the circle, spilling white light and the smell of ripe fruit into the Wanderer Alchemist's workshop. Envy stepped through, leaving his world behind.

* * *

><p>Welcome to Paris, the city that is better than you. It's true: everyone there, from members of Parliament to street sweepers, has an air that makes foreigners feel inferior and want to spend lots of money to correct the problem. But nobody did more for French superiority than Francis Bonnefoy, whose monthly parties made tabloid headlines across the country.<p>

Of course, the articles were all speculation. Nobody knew what happened at those parties unless they went.

Sarah Armstrong knew very well what happened at Bonnefoy's parties. On one particular September evening, she dozed at the fringe of the action, in an upstairs bedroom next to a handsome young Frenchman.

Louis heard the phone ringing first, and leaned down to fish it out of the tangle of their clothes on the floor. It was Sarah's, and Bonnefoy's girlfriend was calling her.

He picked up, a symptom of his post-sex sense of humor. "Alo? Ah, bonsoir, Jeanne-Marie, ça va? Yes, of course she's here, but before I hand you over, how about—"

Sarah, who was more awake than she looked, snatched the phone and rolled onto her back. "The hell, J-M?" she said conversationally.

"I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?" Jeanne-Marie asked in English.

"No, no, we're done for now," Sarah said. "So, what's the problem? You don't call mid-shift unless there's an emergency."

"There's a new guy, got here twenty minutes ago, and now France won't talk to anyone else."

"Not even you?"

"Not even me. They're going upstairs now; I'll send you a picture I took of him. Meet me in the closet."

"Okay. Five minutes." Sarah hung up, got out of bed, and began dressing. Louis watched with interest, and eventually asked what happened.

"Some new kid's caught Bonnefoy's eye," Sarah said, putting on her sandals, "and J-M wants me to take a look at him." Her phone beeped, and she opened the picture Jeanne-Marie had texted her. It appeared to be of a Japanese boy in tight black clothing, with impossibly spiky hair. _And Francis thinks he has taste_, she thought.

"So she's jealous?" Louis winked at Sarah.

"I'll tell her you're free," Sarah smirked as she left the room.

* * *

><p>"Remind me why we're here," Edward Elric kvetched as he trudged down the empty street.<p>

"We're here because Colonel Mustang sent us to check up on Doctor Rhodes," said his brother Alphonse, who was less bothered by Central's gloomy weather. "Damon Rhodes, the Wanderer Alchemist, specializes in travel-related alchemy and has done a lot over the last few years to improve military transport. But no one has heard from him in weeks. Then, last night, a neighbor of his reported bright lights and strange noises coming from his house. It sounded to Colonel Mustang like an experiment gone wrong, so he sent us to find out what happened."

"It was a rhetorical question, Al," Edward grumbled.

"Sorry." Al deflated.

They had reached Dr. Rhodes's townhouse; Edward climbed the front stairs reluctantly and knocked on the door. No answer. He tried the knob; it opened. "That's not good," Alphonse commented.

The two boys went inside, unaware that they were being watched.

* * *

><p>Colonel Roy Mustang loitered on the corner, gloved hands in his pockets. His lieutenant, Riza Hawkeye, waited less patiently as the Elrics disappeared into Rhodes's house.<p>

Finally she spoke her mind. "Are you sure it's wise, sir, to come yourself? Anyone in your command would be more than happy to act as security for Fullmetal—"

"Yes, Lieutenant, they would," Mustang said, not meeting her eyes. "But there's more going on here than a simple alchemical accident. Damon Rhodes's work was too sensitive for it to be a coincidence. There may even be a homunculus involved. Catching a homunculus…" He glanced at Hawkeye and stopped, but she knew what he was going to say.

Capturing a homunculus would look very good on the Colonel's record.

* * *

><p>The townhouse was deserted. There was no sign that it had been lived in for several days. The Elrics searched the house for Dr. Rhodes, eventually finding the stairs that ran down to the alchemist's basement laboratory.<p>

The lab was dimly lit by a single window at ground level. Edward found a light switch and turned it on. The room was a mess, with papers everywhere and a large, complex transmutation circle drawn on the floor. Edward didn't recognize the pattern, so he began collecting the papers, hoping they could tell him something.

"Um…brother?" Alphonse said suddenly. "I think you should come look at this." Ed turned around.

A pair of heavy chains hung from the wall, in a place that could not be seen from the stairs. They looked like they had been transmuted from the cement to hold the man who hung limp from the wall.

He was Damon Rhodes, the Wanderer Alchemist, and he was dead.

Edward examined the body. There were no visible wounds; it looked like Dr. Rhodes's heart had simply stopped, and he'd died of a lack of oxygen. As far as Edward knew, there was only one way to for that to happen: alchemy. Dr. Rhodes had been murdered. He said as much to Alphonse, then went back to studying the papers. While he read, Alphonse walked around the transmutation circle, studying the runes and trying to figure out what they did.

They reached the same conclusion at about the same time: the circle was a portal to another universe. "There are other universes?" Alphonse wondered.

"Wouldn't that be something," Edward mused. "Well, now we know where the killer went."

"How do you know?" Alphonse asked.

"The portal's been used once already. Last night, when the neighbors reported bright lights and strange noises. Dr. Rhodes transmuted the portal for the first time, and the person who killed him escaped through it. Was there a destination written in the circle?"

"Um…there are coordinates. I don't think we should…"

"Look, Al. We're investigating a murder now; it's the least we can do to catch the killer. Now, according to Dr. Rhodes's notes, now that the portal's been used once, reopening it shouldn't take much more energy than transmuting a door." He knelt at the circle's edge and laid his white-gloved hands in the proper places. The circle glowed blue, and the air above it seemed to tear open, pouring out white light and the smell of strawberries.

Edward had leapt through the portal before Alphonse could say anything. He shook his head, and contented himself with writing a note to Colonel Mustang, in case he came. Then he followed his brother into another world.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Since I wrote this, I have seen all of the first anime. So I understand the irony of the portal.

Also, if you've read Lily Winterwood's _International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction_, you know why the portal smells like strawberries. If not, go read it when you're done here.


	2. Chapter 2

Sarah glanced around at the doorway, then, satisfied that no one was watching, slipped into the linen closet next to Bonnefoy's bedroom. It wasn't used for linens anymore; Jeanne-Marie had turned it into a hideout from which she and her friends could monitor the cameras they'd installed around the house.

It was no secret that gay porn was one of Hungary's major exports. The badly-kept secret was that some of it (rarely exported) came from this house. And the secret almost no one knew was that Sarah and Jeanne-Marie recorded it, for their boss's amusement and the occasional blackmail operation.

That their boss was the human personification of Hungary said a lot about their work. And that Bonnefoy was France, and that he'd watched Yaoi Team One install the cameras, said a lot about French culture.

Sarah settled into a chair between her fellow Team One members: the party's official hostess, blonde ex-model Jeanne-Marie Renard, and a Japanese manga nut and tech wizard named Amanda Toyoda. "Sorry I'm late," she said. "How's the new guy?"

"Not France's best choice," Amanda replied, tapping the desk idly. She had trouble sitting still. "Cute, but no stamina. He's in the bathroom, you just missed him." She pointed on the screen to the bathroom door, which opened—and a tall redheaded woman in a sky-blue jumpsuit came out and sat on the bed beside France, who began hunting eagerly around her collar for a zipper.

Jeanne-Marie cursed quietly and bitterly in French. Sarah was simply bemused. "Where the hell did _she_ come from? Mandy, is there a camera in—"

"I've got it," Amanda cut her off, typing some command that split the computer screen in half vertically. On the right, France continued cavorting with the redhead.

On the left, the bathroom was empty.

"What the fuck?"

Where did he go?"

Jeanne-Marie, who had been very carefully not watching the redhead, looked back at the screen. "There is no way out except through the bedroom," she said. "No trapdoor, no loose panels in the walls. We would have seen him if he came out."

"Maybe he did," Amanda said, and got questioning looks from her teammates. "He looks like someone I saw in a manga. A shapeshifter."

"That is impossible!" Jeanne-Marie declared. "How could someone from a book be here?"

Sarah was thinking the same thing, but there were no other answers. "Maybe there are demons that can do that. England would know; I'll call him and ask."

"You don't really believe all that fairy shit your boyfriend tells you, do you?"

"Just because you can't see the Flying Mint Bunny doesn't mean it's not there." Sarah caught herself getting defensive and paused. "Anyway, England knows more about the fae than anyone. If it's a demon, he'll know." She stood up. "Keep an eye on him, and record everything."

* * *

><p>Sarah left the mansion by a side door. It was almost midnight; the air was chilly, the moon setting, and the glow of downtown Paris obscured the stars on one horizon. The breeze smelled faintly of strawberries as Sarah leaned against the wall and speed-dialed England.<p>

He answered gruffly on the third ring. "Yes? Sarah?"

"Hi, Arthur," Sarah said. I hope I'm not interrupting—"

"Hope, my ass," England began, and was cut off by excited shouting in the background.

"Hey Iggy! Is it Sarah? Hi Sarah! Can I talk to her?"

Yes, it's Sarah; no, you can't talk to her; and _don't call me Iggy!_" England snapped back.

Sarah chuckled. Alfred, who personified the United States of America, was one of the least mature Nations. He was a nice guy, but sometimes it took real willpower to put up with him. "Tell Al I'll call him tomorrow," she told England. "Arthur, my team and I have a question for you."

"I'm not signing your bloody contract! Damn you girls—"

"No, no, it's not that at all, Arthur. It's demons."

That got his attention. "Demons?"

"Yeah. What can you tell me about succubi?"

* * *

><p>They were standing at the foot of a gravel driveway. The road was behind them, and a large house was some way in front of them. It was late at night, and the stars above them were unfamiliar.<p>

"Are we in another world?" Alphonse wondered. His voice echoed more than usual inside his helmet.

"Looks like it," Edward muttered. The street was deserted, but there were lights on in and around the house. "Maybe someone up there saw the killer." He started up the driveway; Alphonse followed cautiously.

The driveway led them around to the side of the house, where a yellow electric light hung over a door. Next to it, a woman in a white dress leaned against the wall, talking to herself in a language neither brother recognized. As they approached, she slipped something into a purse and greeted them with a wave of one hand. She was a little taller than Edward, dark-haired and pretty, but disappointingly civilian-looking.

* * *

><p>Yes, succubi were shapeshifters; yes, England had summoned one once (but hadn't fucked it, he promised!); no, he didn't think any such demon would lower itself to offer that bloody frog his twisted idea of pleasure—Sarah chuckled at that last one, then left the Special Relationship to its own devices.<p>

As she hung up, she noticed two people coming up the driveway. She hailed them, then realized she didn't know who they were. One was a boy about her height, with blond braided hair and determined gold eyes, wearing a long red coat, white gloves, and black boots. Handsome, but at least five years too young for her.

His companion was harder to describe, since he (most likely _he_) wore a full suit of armor. Could be a bodyguard—so who was the kid?

They stopped just down the driveway from her, and the boy bowed slightly and said something that Sarah almost understood. "Um…hello," she said, while racking her brain for the language it reminded her of. She was fluent in four, conversational in six more, and could recognize another twenty or so; it had to be in there—

Japanese. That was it. Maybe—the boy's greeting wasn't quite what Amanda had taught her. But she replied anyway, and he seemed to understand.

* * *

><p>The following is how the conversation would have gone had all parties involved been speaking the same language. As it was, Sarah was far from fluent in Japanese, and the newcomers spoke what sounded like a bastard daughter dialect. The actual conversation was full of repetition, explanation, and incoherently excited noises from Sarah when she figured something out. But the substance of it went like this:<p>

"I'm Edward Elric, state alchemist," the boy said, "and this is my brother Alphonse Elric."

"Sarah Armstrong," Sarah replied, wondering what exactly a state alchemist did.

A strange look crossed Edward's face when he heard Sarah's surname, but it was gone before she could figure out what it meant. "Could you tell us, ma'am, if you've seen anyone come this way before us?"

Sarah shrugged. "Lots of people have come and gone; there's a party here tonight."

The man in the armor—Alphonse—interrupted, and his voice sounded oddly like a small child's. "What my brother means is, have you seen anyone strange around here this evening?"

"I have, as a matter of fact," Sarah said, fishing her phone out of her purse. She showed them Jeanne-Marie's photo, and Edward's jaw dropped farther than she would have believed possible. "_He_'s here?" he muttered. "Shit."

"Who is he?" Sarah asked.

"He's called Envy," Edward said, "and he's a murderer on the run from justice."

It was Sarah's turn to swear. She did so in about five different languages. Then she called Jeanne-Marie.


	3. Chapter 3

Sarah talked for a while into the little box she'd taken from her purse (Alphonse guessed it was some kind of telephone). Then she put it away and asked the Elrics to follow her indoors. They followed, glancing over their shoulders to make sure the portal was still there.

They went in the side door and found themselves in a large, well-lit kitchen, which had several appliances they didn't recognize. Sarah gestured for them to sit at the table. They were joined almost immediately by a pale woman with short black hair and dark eyes, who skidded barefoot to a halt in front of the Elrics. Seeing them, she gasped in surprise and bowed low. "Good evening, Fullmetal Alchemist," she said in the language Sarah had used which was not quite Amestrian. "It's an honor to meet you."

Edward began, out of habit, to protest her assumption that Alphonse was Fullmetal. Then he realized that she had spoken to him, not to Al.

* * *

><p>Sarah's jaw dropped (not as far as Edward's had). "You know this guy?" she whispered to Amanda in English.<p>

She nodded. "Uh-huh. Well, not personally. They're from a manga I used to read. Called _Fullmetal Alchemist_."

Jeanne-Marie entered the kitchen more sedately, holding a tablet that was streaming video from the cameras upstairs, and sat across the table from Sarah. "You're recruiting tonight?" she asked dryly in French.

"They're here looking for that guy," Sarah replied in the same language, nodding at the tablet. "Now," she continued in English, "Mandy, could you please explain who these kids are?"

Amanda began in Japanese. "This is Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, and his little brother Alphonse."

"Little brother, huh?" Sarah echoed, glancing at the Elrics. Edward glared at her. "Sorry…I'm an eldest too, if that means anything…"

Amanda kept talking as if she hadn't been interrupted. "Their world has alchemy, which is like magic but follows scientific rules. When Ed and Al were kids, they tried a powerful spell which went horribly wrong, and Ed lost his right arm, and Al lost his whole body. Ed sacrificed his leg to bring Al back, and put him in a suit of armor."

"Hang on, slow down!" Jeanne-Marie interrupted. "You mean these guys are characters from a manga?"

"And there's nothing inside the armor?" Sarah echoed.

Everyone looked at Alphonse, who glanced at Edward, shrugged creakily, then took off his helmet.

The armor was empty.

* * *

><p>Jeanne-Marie screamed. Sarah flinched, then dared to look again. The armor was empty.<p>

"What's it like?" asked Amanda, who hadn't looked away.

Alphonse's voice echoed from the neck of his armor. "It's kind of a hollow existence," he said. Amanda giggled, and Edward facepalmed.

But Amanda wasn't done. "What about the automail?" she asked.

"Auto-mail?" Sarah echoed, confused.

Edward stood up, took off his coat, and hung it on his chair. Under it, he wore a black vest and matching pants. And his right arm was made entirely of steel. Seeing it, Amanda squealed in delight; behind her, Jeanne-Marie made a _Star Wars_ joke in French, and Sarah chuckled at it. Edward did, in fact, remind her of Luke Skywalker.

Amanda jumped forward and grabbed Edward's metal hand, examining the fingers, feeling the joints, exclaiming that it was _real_, it _worked_, just like in the—

Edward pulled away sharply and fell back into his chair. Before Amanda could react, Sarah laid a hand on her arm and said (in English), "Be nice to our guests. Remember what happened when you glomped Mr. Austria?" Amanda nodded, eyes suddenly wide. "Now," Sarah went on in Japanese, "why don't you make drinks or something, and then finish your story?"

Amanda's face brightened. "Okay!" She began searching France's cabinets. "Hey, he has vodka! I can make my specialty!"

"What specialty?" Jeanne-Marie deadpanned.

"Entendres!" Amanda said. "You know, from that detective story?"

"The Lazarus one?" Sarah mused. "I remember that…it wasn't bad."

"Would you like drinks?" Jeanne-Marie asked the Elrics, awkwardly trying to take back her role as hostess.

Al declined, settling his helmet back onto his shoulders. "Thanks, but…I don't drink." Jeanne-Marie nodded.

"And I'm underage," Edward blurted, with a glare at Amanda. "_She_ knows that."

"Yes, I know that," Amanda called over her shoulder. "I also know that you're in France—" Sarah sniggered at the image this brought to mind—"where there is no such thing as underage, and so you're going to try French hospitality. Besides, everyone only gets one, since we're still on duty."

"Speaking of which," Sarah said, "Edward, will you _please_ tell us _who the hell_ this guy you're following is?" She glanced at the tablet; Envy had taken yet another form.

* * *

><p>Edward sighed. "First, you can call me Ed," he said, "and he's Al." He gestured toward his brother, who nodded. "Second, you need to know that for the last three years, Al and I have been looking for an alchemical object called the Philosopher's Stone, which we can use to get our bodies back. Third, we're not the only ones looking for the Stone. Mostly we're up against Envy and his brothers, who (I should add) aren't actually human. They're alchemical constructs called <em>homunculi<em>; they're supposed to be impossible to create."

"And yet, here they are," Sarah said. "Are the others shapeshifters?"

"No, just Envy," Amanda said, returning to the table with a tray of glasses. "Here you go. Don't forget to chew."

The entendre was a weird drink to specialize in, Sarah reflected as she sipped. It was full of hundreds-and-thousands—little sugar pellets that made it taste almost gritty. Nevertheless, she liked the drink, and was glad Amanda had discovered it.

Ed examined the drink, looking puzzled, then picked it up and took a sip, then a larger sip. "This is good," he said. "What's in it?"

"Oh, nothing special," said Amanda. "Vodka, chocolate liqueur, nonpareils…" here she grinned mischievously, "and milk." Ed choked.

* * *

><p>Ed was indignant. How dare that girl try to poison him with that—that disgusting cow secretion? He said as much, while Al whacked him on the back, and the girls sat there looking bemused—except for Amanda, who was laughing.<p>

"Admit it, "Edward Elric," she said, "you like it!" Ed scowled at her.

"Brother," Al said hastily, "please calm down. We're not here to fight about milk." Ed reluctantly calmed down.

"Now," Sarah said, "we know what we're up against. How do we deal with it?" The girls began chatting in several languages the Elrics didn't understand, pausing occasionally to explain things in the one they did. They went on for a while; Ed found himself sipping that vile milk drink once or twice and stopped himself quickly.

The word "handcuffs" emerged from the babble. It was repeated, and followed by odd-sounding laughter.

* * *

><p>"I've got an idea," Sarah said in English, "let's handcuff Envy to the bed and let France keep an eye on him for us!"<p>

"Hey, that might work! France would love that!" Amanda squealed, then turned back to the Elrics. "Is there anybody backing you up, who'd be able to come get Envy?" she asked in Japanese.

"Not officially," Ed said slowly. "But I thought I saw Colonel Mustang tailing us earlier. If we're gone too long, he may try to follow us."

"Perfect!" Amanda said. "Jeanne-Marie, does France keep handcuffs…uh, handy?"

"What are you implying?" Jeanne-Marie asked dryly in French. "That Francis enjoys bondage?"

Sarah and Amanda glanced at each other, then replied in unison. "Yes."

* * *

><p>France wondered whether he wasn't neglecting his guests to have spent so long upstairs with just one of them. But then he looked again at his dozing visitor and decided it was an evening well spent.<p>

He was roused by a knock on the bedroom door. He got up, snatching a rose from the vase on the bedside table for the sake of appearances, and opened the door to find Jeanne-Marie waiting.

She carried a tray with a glass of red wine, a pair of silver handcuffs, and a note. France wished her a good evening, which she answered by rolling her eyes, then drained the wineglass as he read the note. In French, it read:

Francis:

The man you are entertaining is a murderer on the run from the Japanese police. We have told the authorities where he is, but it may take them some time to get here. We rely on your talents to keep him occupied until then. Please use the handcuffs as you see fit.

Thank you,

Team One

PS Make sure you're on top.

France crumpled the note casually, acknowledging with his eyes that he understood. He left it on the tray, took the handcuffs and their key, waved Jeanne-Marie away, and watched her disappear into the linen closet. Then he returned to the bed, and stroked the boy's back until he was fully awake. A criminal, eh? He seemed young for that…but stranger things had happened this evening. This could be fun.

"What is it?" the boy mumbled.

"I thought of something to try," France said smoothly. "Are you ready?"

"Sure."

"All right. Raise your right arm above your head, towards the bedpost." The boy did, and France deftly cuffed him to the bed.

"What're you doing?" the boy protested.

"Don't worry," France purred, "this is customary in my country. Now relax, my dear…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Envy will go back and tell his brethren that he was imprisoned by a nation of perverts. Somehow I don't feel sorry for him.

Feel free to tell me who you pictured "in France." (For Sarah, it was England.)

Hundreds-and-thousands (British name) are the same thing as nonpareils (American name). Sarah's American, but she lives with England, so she'd use either.

France and Envy can understand each other because France is speaking the Nations' language, which humans usually understand as their first language. Envy hears it as Japanese, since that's the Earth language closest to Amestrian (unless someone tells me differently).


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thank you to katzsoa for her dedicated reading and critiquing of my work…now will somebody else _please_ review this? I know you're reading it; please tell me what you think! _Thank_ you.

* * *

><p>Colonel Mustang was done waiting.<p>

"Sir, they've only been gone half an hour," Lieutenant Hawkeye pointed out.

"Which is far too long for this kind of investigation," said Mustang. "Either the Elric brothers have found something, or something has found them. Let's go." He entered the house, Hawkeye close behind, and went down to the Wanderer Alchemist's basement lab.

They found everything as the Elrics had left it: the dead alchemist, chained to the wall; the transmutation circle on the floor; the papers, scattered on and around the table. And no sign of the Elrics.

Hawkeye checked the man's pulse, confirmed that he was dead, and began collecting the papers while Mustang paced the edge of the circle and pieced the problem together.

"It's a portal," he said finally. "Set to take the user to a specific place, and I'm sure the boys are there chasing whatever it was that killed Dr. Rhodes."

"Whatever, sir?" Hawkeye still didn't like the idea of homunculi. Anything that didn't die when you killed it…

"You heard me, Lieutenant," Roy said, activating the circle. The portal opened, and a wind that smelled of strawberries blew the papers from where Hawkeye had left them back onto the floor. Mustang stepped through the portal, with Hawkeye close behind—

—and they found themselves at the end of a driveway in the middle of the night. The stars were unfamiliar, there was a strange glow on the horizon, and an unmistakable suit of armor was waving at them from the top of the hill.

* * *

><p>"It's Envy, sir," said Al as he led them into the house. "They've got him upstairs; we were just waiting for you to get here."<p>

Mustang wondered briefly who "they" were; then he came into the kitchen, where Ed was sitting with his feet up on the table. When he saw Mustang, he tried to stand up in a hurry, but leaned too far back and fell out of his chair.

The girl next to him dropped to her knees, to help him up; he waved her away and stood, shrugged his coat on, saluted hastily, then rubbed the back of his head. "Good evening, Colonel. I'd like you to meet our temporary director of operations, Sarah Armstrong. No relation." He gestured toward the other girl, who jumped up and bowed. She was in her mid-twenties, relatively pretty…and wearing a white strapless dress with a very short skirt. He found himself looking at her, distracted, and was surprised when she met his eyes, looked _him_ over briefly, and winked.

Hawkeye stepped between them, glaring in both directions, and Sarah bowed again. "I'm pleased to finally meet you, Colonel Mustang," she said slowly. She spoke Amestrian with a bizarre accent, and pronouns no one had used in centuries.

Mustang cleared his throat. "Likewise," he said. "This is my assistant, Lieutenant Hawkeye. Now, what's the situation?"

* * *

><p>They were exactly as Amanda had described them. Roy Mustang, tall, dark, and dashing; and Riza (or Lisa) Hawkeye, purposeful and protective, taking no nonsense from anyone—including Sarah, who called Jeanne-Marie to assess said situation.<p>

"Yeah?"

"How is it up there?"

"Still at it. Envy's still in the cuffs. Why'd you make _me_ watch?"

"Because you don't speak Japanese. But Mustang's here; he'll take care of it. You still recording?"

"Of course. Hungary won't want to miss this." Jeanne-Marie sounded like she would rather be missing it.

"We'll be right up." Sarah hung up. "We've got Envy restrained upstairs," she said to Mustang; "the man who owns this house is keeping an eye on him for us. Follow me."

* * *

><p>France was already half-dressed when he heard the knock on his door. He grabbed Envy's wrist and freed him from the bedpost.<p>

"What is it this time?" Envy demanded, trying to twist away from him.

"I think you had better shapeshift into some clothes, mon ami," France said, cuffing Envy's hands behind his back. "They've come for you."

* * *

><p>Apprehending the homunculus was easier than anyone had thought it would be, except maybe Sarah. France already had him in handcuffs, and Envy made no move to escape as Mustang and Hawkeye led him outside and down the hill to the portal. (Sarah couldn't help but notice that he was walking oddly.) Ed bowed to the Agents and shook Sarah's hand, and Al reluctantly allowed Amanda to hug him, before they followed.<p>

"Can't I go with them?" Amanda said wistfully in English.

"No," Sarah replied. "We need you here."

Amanda thought about that, then brightened. "There's a _Fullmetal Alchemist_ anime. We should watch that sometime!"

Sarah smiled. "Yes, let's do that. Next Friday, maybe?"

The rip in the air closed, and the smell of strawberries abruptly vanished. Jeanne-Marie sighed. "Well, that's done," she said, sounding relieved.

Yaoi Team One headed up the driveway to the kitchen door, where they were met by France. Jeanne-Marie collapsed dramatically into his arms. Sarah waited a moment, then cleared her throat softly. France looked up.

"You smell," Sarah told him in French, "like you just went five rounds with a shapeshifter. I _respectfully_ recommend you shower before you rejoin the party."

France chuckled. "But of course," he said. "And I think I'll take this one with me." He walked off arm-in-arm with Jeanne-Marie, and Sarah picked up Ed's chair and fell into it.

"All's well that ends well," she said to Amanda in English. "I think tonight's one for the history books."

"I agree," Amanda said. "Shall I make more entendres?"

"Sure." A thought struck Sarah. "Why don't you make one extra?" She dug her phone out of her purse and called Louis, inviting him downstairs.

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

The cell was dark. Envy wouldn't mind, except that it gave him nothing to think about, besides that he had failed.

He'd set out with such grand plans, to conquer a world…and he'd ended up the plaything of an immortal pervert. And then the pipsqueak and the Flame Colonel had brought him back here! Envy shuddered. Pride and Lust had better never find out.

Speaking of Lust…he thought he saw a pair of eyes reflecting moonlight, at about Gluttony's height. Lust must not be far behind.

Then they were right in front of him, but he could barely see them. "You have to be more careful, brother," Lust purred. "We can't let them capture you yet; we still need you." Envy's heart, such as it was, leapt. They needed him!

Lust extended one fingernail and deftly picked the lock. The door swung open, and Envy walked away with his brother and sister into the darkness.


End file.
